Place Charles de Gaulle Etoile, Arc de Triomphe, as Seen by Google Earth
Your taste of life in Paris and France
ParlerParis.com
Wednesday, April 27, 2011 • Paris, France
Dear Parler Paris Reader,Yesterday I lunched with a new acquaintance, a woman writer who is smitten with Paris, comes here as often as she can, and who describes her time here as "freedom," "fresh air" and a "place where she can really be herself." She is struggling with a 25 year marriage and is longing to be untangled from it, although she had nothing negative to say about her husband -- in fact her comments were quite glowing.
It was easy to put myself in her shoes, since 14 years earlier, I went through a similar scenario, wallowing in unhappiness in a marriage and where I found the city of Paris could be the lover my husband could not be. I have been forever grateful to the City of Light, which should perhaps also be called the "City of Love," for making the single woman in me feel wanted, desirable, secure, safe and loved.
It was easy to predict her future -- as if looking back to when I first developed a love affair with the city and decided that postponing divorce in lieu of moving to Paris was the only logical route. The two couldn't be achieved at the same time, so I chose staying in the marriage, even unhappily, to giving up my dream to move to this place that had somehow stolen my heart and soul, for what reason I may never be entirely certain.
Her future was so clear to me: she would purchase an apartment here; start using it more and more often; detach herself more from her husband and her life as a wife and mother; remove the negative energy and replace it with a positive force that would feed her soul and...voila!...she would discover the woman she never knew existed inside her, have multitudes of male attention, none of whom would usurp her being because she'd never again compromise who she was for anyone, but herself.
Later in the day I received an email from my new found friend: "Merci beaucoup, Adrian...and for lunch, and for the little crystal-ball glimpse of life here. I will be remembering your words often, I think."
Funny that just Sunday I acquired a crystal ball. You may remember it from Monday's report on brocante shopping in the suburbs, where it was a whopping 2€ splurge. It's a solid crystal ball with one bubble in the middle, that now sits on a glass stand and symbolizes the future -- at least now it does since having this conversation with the writer.
Over the years I have pondered all the reasons for that sentiment -- why Paris should make one feel safe like an unborn in the womb, particularly for single women, with or without a mate (and yes, there are single women who have mates, but not husbands or partners). There are a few aspects of life here that have stood out as making an acute distinction between life in France vs life in America for the liberated woman:
1. Women feel safe in France, and even in such a metropolis as Paris. We do not fear rape, mugging by gunpoint, or aggression. Sure, a bit of it exists, but in almost every area of the city, it is well-lit at night, people are everywhere, but most importantly, the people who inhabit the city are not aggressive nor carrying weapons. I have never felt one iota of fear on the streets, in the Métro, or walking home alone even in the most desolate hours of the night. Talking with a stranger in a café or even at a stop light does not feel the least bit threatening -- but in fact, quite the opposite -- friendly! This alone is a major factor for how and why a single woman can immediately sense freedom and live without the daily paranoia many American women experience.
2. France is a circular society, rather than linear. Think about it. American streets are straight. You drive to an intersection, stop and let the traffic cross your path, and then you can go again, in a straight line with one car following another. In France, most intersections outside the city and many inside the city are 'roundabout's and flow in a circular motion, with cars entering and exiting without stopping, keeping everything moving smoothly. The "Etoile" always comes to mind as more of a perfect symbol of France than the Eiffel Tower.
This may not seem like much of a reason for a single woman to feel liberated, but apply the principle to relationships. In a linear society, we trade one relationship for another, as a car might go ahead of another by passing on the same road. Married men and women have very singular relationships and when one 'strays' or creates a relationship with another, even if only for the sex or a mutually shared interest, the marriage is virtually doomed, since one relationship is being traded for another. (How often have I seen a woman destroy her family and marriage because her husband had a brief affair that may have meant nothing!? Too often.)
In a circular society, many people can circle one person (think of the Etoile with its 12 radiating streets from the Arc de Triomphe) and have different relationships with all of those who surround the center person without affecting the others. This means that they can love many people, for many different reasons, without colliding, or exchanging positions to be the lead on a straight path. If you have several children, don't you love them all, but perhaps differently? And isn't there enough love to go around for everyone? Why would it be different with our peers -- our friends and lovers?
This is so integral in why a woman in Paris can allow herself to love the city, to love a lover (or many lovers, and of a variety of different ages), to have many friends, to have many different interests and to flow in and out of those encounters without colliding with the others. The change from linear to circular is also so subtle that most newcomers to this society don't even realize it's happening to them -- it's not all that obvious, but the energy is there in all its forms and begins to shape the way one thinks, moves and behaves until one day, you sense you can have it all without giving up anything for it.
3. Add to the list "Singlehood" vs "Couplehood." It's so easy and comfortable being 'alone' here, without ever feeling 'lonely.' Having dinner alone, going to a movie alone, sitting in a café or bar alone is not only NOT unusual nor frowned upon, but is a pleasure and can be an advantage. If you want to meet someone new, being alone is the only way you will -- and it doesn't immediately indicate that you are 'without a mate' or 'lonely' -- but just alone at that moment. There are no stigmas attached to being alone, and in fact, it's the freedom one needs to accomplish all that is set out to accomplish.
It's not this way in America. Think about it. Couples get together with other couples...their single friends often uninvited for fear of their threatening their singular, linear relationships. Singles get together with singles, to provide opportunities to meet one another so they can quickly become couples -- to be invited to couples-type gatherings. It's a never-ending battle to seek to become two who make up a whole, rather than one who makes up a whole.
I liken this to the compromising we must do within a relationship -- so much so that we become 50% of a person rather than two people who are each 100% of themselves. It happened to me and it is happening to my friend. She is only experiencing 50% of herself, but in Paris, she will experience 100% of herself -- and not because she will be alone, but because she will have the freedom to be herself and feel totally comfortable with that.
To those of you who think that this discourse is just a campaign for divorce or singlehood, think again. Personally I have enjoyed marriage, then singlehood and now the freedom to have relationships that don't usurp the 100% of the person I became...all because of the City of Light...or should we say, "City of Love?"
A la prochaine...
Adrian Leeds
Editor, Parler Paris
(photo by Erica Simone)
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P.S. Mark your calendar for Tuesday, May 10th, 3 to 5 p.m., when single, happy, Angeleno/Parisian Judith Merians, business executive and attorney for Hollywood studios, and film school professor discusses the story behind the top film of 2010 “The King’s Speech” at Parler Paris Après Midi! Visitparlerparis/apresmidi.html for more information.
